The Fabulous Life of Patrina Fletcher
My new book will be coming to an Amazon near you very soon. Here is an excerpt from the book.
Patrina Fletcher the reality TV and social media superstar was sat in her large dressing room surrounded by her entourage getting ready to appear on the John Richards show ‘In Conversation’, this was the top chat show in Britain, winning numerous TV awards. She was the only guest on the show and would be reflecting on her life to date. ‘I think I need it to be much bigger and fuller, I need to make a statement as I make my entrance,’ said Patrina to her celebrity hairdresser Leonard. ‘What did they call that blond woman with a suntan in the 1970s? I can never remember her name. I once wore a dress to an event inspired by something she’d worn.’ In truth, Patrina could never remember anyone’s name; she was far too taken with herself these days. She’d worked hard creating her public ‘Patrina’ persona, it was a full-time job, which required her constant attention.
‘Do you mean Farrah Fawcett by any chance?’ asked Leonard chewing on the inside of his mouth, adding more strands of long blond hair to Patrina’s expensive coiffure. He was adding several shades of blond to give her hair more dimension and texture; he said it made for a more natural look. Patrina liked to have big hair; she was only average height, so she always wanted clothes, hair, and accessories, which gave her presence. Often all you could see of her was her chosen pair of OTT designer sunglasses, which engulfed her face and entered into a room before she did. Everything about Patrina was a statement, her makeup, hair, jewellery, clothes, and accessories; more often than not she’d be wearing the latest thing before they ever hit the exclusive designer boutiques.
‘Yes, yes, that’s her,’ said Patrina seriously. ‘I always thought it was a strange name, I mean who’s called Farrah?... Anyway, I had my dentist in Los Angeles do my teeth just like hers, they cost a fortune, although, of course, Simon, my ex-husband paid for them.’
‘Oh, I loved her,’ declared Leonard, while fingering a curl energetically, ‘in the TV series Charlie’s Angels, she was always my favourite, for me it was never the same after she left, although I did like Cheryl Ladd, she was so perfectly formed and beautifully put together.’
‘Cheryl Ladd?’ said Patrina looking vague.
Leonard nodded, adding more hair to Patrina’s abundant coiffure, ‘Yes, she took over from Farrah, playing her sister in the show.’
‘Oh yes, I remember her now. Of course, I’ve based myself on various people, I’ve put a lot of time, effort, and thought into it,’ said Patrina trying to sound sincere. ‘But that’s me for you, I consider all things, people say they’ve never known anyone like me.’
Leonard hesitated, ‘Yes, I’ve heard that said,’ he was thinking to himself that thank goodness neither had he! But Patrina hadn’t always been a diva, at least not when he first met her.
‘Me too,’ said Talisa, Patrina’s celebrity manicurist and nail technician.
‘Heard what? What have you heard about me?’ snapped Patrina doing a bit of hair flicking with her free hand, something she always did when she was irritated or trying to look vivacious and alluring!
Leonard hesitated again, looking at Talisa, raising an eyebrow, the three of them went back a long way, to the days when Patrina was a mere mortal, ‘Oh, that you’re a true original,’ he said, smiling nervously, while Talisa nodded and quickly agreed with him, ‘Yes, you really are Patrina hun, everyone says so.’
‘Well, if you say so,’ agreed Patrina smiling modestly! ‘Everyone seems to want to be me. Have I told you I have over 15 million followers on Facebook, Twitter, and Instagram, in fact, I’m one of the most Googled people in the UK. I’ve been voted rear of the year for the past three years running.’
Leonard nodded, ‘Yes, you may have done,’ he said, thinking to himself that she’d told him hundreds of times. Talisa rolled her eyes but managed to maintain her frozen smile. ‘I liked Jacqueline Smith from Charlie’s Angels,’ she said, trying to move the conversation away from Patrina. ‘She still looks amazing and has hardly changed; I think she’s in her early seventies now.’
Patrina looked at Talisa stifling a yawn, she didn’t like to talk about other people, these days the focus always had to be on her, and her alone, ‘Well, thank you for sharing that with us,’ she said, pursing her lips while glaring at Talisa. ‘Now, what colour is this nail polish again?’
Talisa picked up the bottle to double-check, ‘It’s called Tarty Red,’ she said with a smile.
Patrina wrinkled her nose and curled her lip, looking like she could smell something unpleasant, ‘Hmm, what an unfortunate name.’ Patrina pulled her hand away from Talisa sharply and held it out to admire her long bejewelled fingernails. ‘But I do like the colour, and I don’t suppose anyone will know.’
‘Will know what hun?’ asked Talisa, not really interested, she’d switched to automatic pilot hours ago.
‘That it’s called Tarty Red, of course, I have my image to think of; I’m Mayfair and Knightsbridge, not bargain basement!’
‘Well, if anyone asks about the colour, just say it’s red,’ said Talisa, trying to be creative and helpful.
Patrina looked at her like she was an idiot, ‘But it is red, you fool.’
‘Is it? said Talisa with surprise, ‘I thought it was ‘Tarty’.’
‘What!’ exclaimed Patrina briskly, glaring at her like she was stupid.
Talisa looked at her, ‘The colour, I thought it was a new exclusive colour called ‘Tarty’.’
Patrina rolled her eyes and tutted, she then returned to her favourite subject, herself, ‘Now you see, I wanted Angelina Jolie’s mouth, Nicole Kidman’s nose, and Cara Delevigne’s cheekbones. And I had Carlotta, the eyebrow queen do my eyebrows like Elizabeth Taylor’s, I also had my coloured contacts done bespoke and exactly like Elizabeth’s eyes, and then I had my boobs done like Sophia Loren. Really I’m several screen goddesses, and top models all rolled into one,’ Patrina said proudly. ‘In fact, someone told me I was a phenomenon,’ she laughed. ‘Not that I’ve had much work done, of course. It’s just that when you’re in the public eye, every flaw and blemish is magnified. I said to my plastic surgeon, Dr Moses; he does all the stars you know. I said to him, with me you get far more than two for the price of one,’ she laughed again and did a bit more hair flicking.
‘What do you mean like buy one get one free?’ asked Leonard, trying to be funny.
Patrina scowled, ‘No, of course I don’t mean that you moron… Dr Moses says I’m like a priceless work of fine art.’
‘Oh, you are hun,’ agreed Talisa. ‘I’ve certainly never met anyone like you,’ she said, thinking to herself that she hoped she never did again. ‘And Dr Moses, you don’t often hear that name these days.’
‘What, doctor?’ asked Patrina looking puzzled.
Talisa shook her head, ‘No, Moses of course, other than in the bible.’
‘The what?’ asked Patrina vaguely, pouting in the large illuminated mirror while sucking her cheeks in slightly.
‘The Bible,’ said Talisa, ‘Moses is in the Holy Bible.’
‘The Bible?’ replied Patrina looking mystified. ‘Oh, I never talk about religion or politics. I was told by my manager that it’s not good for my image after I’d made a comment about something in the past at a gay wedding.’
‘What?’ asked Talisa. ‘What did you say?’
‘Oh, nothing… I can’t remember. My ex-husband Simon was always bringing home old things and religious books. Of course, that’s before he went mad and ended up in an institution. He was fascinated by ancient Egypt; he was convinced he'd been taken back in time to ancient Egypt to some temple or other, he even brought in a group of crackpots called The Psychic Agency to investigate, mind you they didn’t last long, they all ended up working as servants at a castle in Scotland, well, I think they were servants. But anyway, each to their own is what I say, although I’ve no time for them.’
‘No time for what?’ asked Talisa, rapidly losing the will to live.
‘Books of course, I mean these days I can’t see the point of them when we have technology, you know like computers, mobile phones, iPads, etc. Not that I do much reading, I’ve no time for it; I’m far too busy.’
‘Oh, but I thought you’d written several books,’ said Talisa.
Patrina nodded, ‘Yes, I have, but… well, I sort of dictated them.’
Talisa looked confused, ‘What do you mean like dictating a letter?’
Patrina glared at her, ‘Well I’d have thought it was obvious, I told someone who my publisher sent round, what I wanted the books to be about, and then they went away and wrote them, honestly,’ she said, with a long sigh, ‘I don’t have time to be writing books, these days it’s a full-time job just keeping body and soul together.’
Talisa looked at Leonard out of the corner of her eye; she didn’t need to say anything; he received her message loud and clear, and he agreed with her entirely.
‘Let me know when you’re ready for me Patrina,’ said Brandy Daily, Patrina’s makeup artist who was busy lining up all the makeup she needed, and there was a lot! Primers, foundations, concealers, highlighters, eyeshadows, lipsticks, eye and lip liners, blushers, and then there were all the makeup brushes, there was enough makeup for the cast of a major theatre production or film, but it was all just for Patrina.
‘Are my lashes ready?’ asked Patrina. ‘I feel naked, almost bald without them these days,’ she looked at Leonard and Talisa. ‘You know it was me who set the trend for them, lashes, and many other things, but then I am a major influencer. I’ve tried individual lash extensions, but I like my full line of falsies, they work best for me; and my line of ‘Patrina Mascaras’ work wonderfully with false lashes.’
‘Do they? I’ll give them a try, but I’ve brought some lashes with me from Paris,’ said Brandy touching up her lip line in the mirror. ‘They know a thing or two about lashes in Paris.’
‘Oh I do like that lipstick,’ said Talisa to Brandy while carefully finishing the bejewelling of Patrina’s long nails.
‘Thanks,’ said Brandy proudly, ‘it’s from my new makeup range ‘Brandy Beauty’. It’s a lip treatment and has a new innovative lip plumping formula. I’ve signed a contract with Prochaska Beauty in the USA, we’re having a massive launch party in New York for the range, and it’s going to be in all the glossy magazines next month, and posh stores.’ She squealed, ‘I’m so excited. I’m hoping it might be as big as MAC cosmetics one day.’
‘What’s so special about it?’ asked Patrina dismissively, she had so much makeup she could open her own store.
‘Everything,’ said Brandy decisively with a beaming smile. ‘The products all have the latest skincare technology in them and a new plant ingredient that’s recently been discovered in the Antarctic. But all my formulations are top secret; it’s very competitive in the beauty world, everything has to be a closely guarded secret. I’ve put all my years of experience as a makeup artist into it, I’ve created the sort of products I always wanted to use, but I could never find.’
‘Hmm, fancy,’ said Patrina, stifling another yawn. ‘But I do like your Dream Cream; I always slap it on at night before I go to bed, that is if I can remember. My dermatologist Dr Shanbang says she’s seen a difference in my skin, mind you, I do use a lot of her products as well, she makes up formulations especially for me, it’s all bespoke, she says bespoke skincare is going to be the next big thing. Although they cost a fortune, she’s currently working on this line on my neck.’ Patrina pointed to it, but no one could see anything.
‘Anyway, on a different note, what are you wearing?’ asked Brandy.
‘Tonight, do you mean?’ asked Patrina pouting again, and admiring herself in the mirror.
‘Well, I’m certainly not wearing this grey cashmere tracksuit,’ Patrina said, with a smile looking down at herself. ‘Although it is by Max Mara. I have a lovely little black suit from Saint Laurent; it’s very ladylike, the skirt’s very slim fitting but a good length, it’s nicely tailored, and the jacket has some detailed black beading, but not too much, I don’t want to look like a Christmas tree. Of course, Nora, my seamstress has made sure it fits me like a glove, and I have a fabulous little black YSL monogrammed evening bag, with a gold chain strap and gold tassel detail, and a pair of black patent Louboutin’s with five-inch heels. My stylist Jermain picked them all out for me, he’s an expert at erasing any problem areas you don’t want to see, and he said there’s nothing worse than seeing someone on a chat show with all their bits hanging out, and I tend to agree with him. I mean, I don’t want to be sat down with my legs clamped together continually pulling my skirt down, although I’m always well waxed.’
‘Well waxed!’ exclaimed Brandy trying not to laugh.
Patrina nodded, ‘Yes, I have Zuzanna, the queen of the Brazilian, you should give her a try… Now, what was I saying?’
‘You were on about your outfit,’ said Brandy.
‘Oh yes, and neither do I want to be constantly making sure my boobs are falling out,’ Patrina looked at her chest and laughed. ‘Mind you they cost enough, so I might show a modest amount of cleavage.’
‘Oh, well, Prochaska Beauty does an excellent firming, shimmering cleavage enhancer,’ said Brandy. ‘I’m sure I have some in my bag, let me see if I can find it. I’m thinking about doing something similar in my line.’
She started rooting through one of several bags she had with her, ‘I’m sure it’s in here somewhere,’ she sighed wearily. ‘I carry so much stuff around with me these days, hang on, yes I think this is it, yes, here,’ she passed it to Patrina like she was going to get extra brownie points. ‘You just rub a little bit onto the skin between the boobs, although you can use it across the whole of the decollete; you don’t need a lot.’
Patrina snatched it from her, and carefully unscrewed the lid trying not to spoil her nails, and looked at the cream while sniffing it and wrinkling her nose, ‘Um, it’s very heavily perfumed, Dr Shanbang says I’ve to avoid perfume and harsh alcohol in skincare, she says it causes a reaction which can age the skin, and I can’t afford to have an irritation or adverse response, I’ve personal appearances and numerous photo shoots lined up.’ She put the lid back on the jar and threw it on the counter in front of her, which was now brimming with expensive makeup, hair, and beauty products.
‘I once went to a top salon in Los Angeles,’ said Patrina, ‘all the stars go there and had their latest anti-ageing facial. Honestly, it was like a rebirth, but the next day, my face went bright red and puffed up like a balloon, I could hardly open my eyes.’ Patrina leant forward into the mirror, lightly patting the skin under her left eye. ‘Over the years I’ve tried loads of expensive brands and products, in fact, I get a lot given, they all want my endorsement, but it’s all a load of bollocks if you ask me. My mother used to swear by petroleum jelly, and she has lovely skin for her age. Dr Shanbang says the best thing you can do for your skin is to stay out of the sun. I’ve not let the sun touch my face for twen… um, the past ten years, but I do use a lot of faux tan, I don’t believe in being pale and interesting,’ Patrina laughed. ‘When I’m pale, I look like death warmed up.’
‘But you’re a star hun,’ said Talisa, trying to stroke Patrina’s ego.
Patrina nodded, ‘True, but I don’t think of myself in the same light as a Hollywood star, mind you, a very famous Hollywood film director I met in Cannes at the film festival said he thought I’d be good at acting, and be great on camera, he said I had a huge aura, and the camera would love me. But I said no, I told him I’d really suck at it, and he asked if I’d sucked before, and I said, of course not, I’d never done any acting.’
There was a moment's silence with Leonard, Brandy, and Talisa looking at each other, trying not to laugh.
‘But you endorse a lot of products, and don’t you have your own skincare and haircare ranges?’ asked Brandy trying to get the conversation out of the gutter.
Patrina nodded, checking her mobile phone for messages while taking a sip of her expensive bottled water through a straw, so as not to spoil her lip gloss. ‘Yes, I do, I also have a perfume, an essential oil, and vitamin range, along with all my self-help books, fitness DVD’s, and fashion range; but that doesn’t mean to say I like them or use them.’ She rubbed her fingers together, ‘I do it for the money honey. If they want my endorsement, it’s gonna cost them, and cost them a lot,’ Patrina smiled. ‘I’m always reassuringly expensive; you ask my ex-husband.’
Brandy, Talisa, and Leonard glanced at each other rolling their eyes.
‘Now Brandy,’ said Patrina, ‘I want a really grey smoky eye with a lot of dewy shimmer, and a bold lip, I want to smoulder out there, and you need to make sure you get the highlighting and contouring right, I need cheekbones to die for and a defined jawline like a razor blade.’
‘Of course,’ replied Brandy, thinking how much she liked a challenge and suddenly wished there was such a thing as fairy dust to work some magic. ‘Do you know what questions John Richards is going to be asking you?’
Patrina flicked her hair, uncrossed her legs, then crossed them again, admiring her Chanel trainers, ‘Well it’s all about my life, he says it’s amazing, we’re starting at the beginning, you know, where it all began and taking it from there. John says, I may need to appear on several shows, my life is so extraordinary.’
‘Is it true they're going to make a film or TV series about your life?’ asked Leonard finessing Patrina’s hair.
The real truth was that this rumour had been started by Patrina herself.
‘It’s highly likely,’ said Patrina. ‘I’m considering several options at the moment, but it will all be down to money in the end, and of course, there will be a book, and that will mean a book tour.’
‘Sounds exciting,’ said Talisa. ‘If they do make a film about you, which actress do you want to play you?’
Patrina twiddled a strand of false hair around her finger, still admiring herself in the mirror, ‘Good question,’ she thought for a moment. ‘Had she been young and still alive, probably Marilyn Monroe or even Bridget Bardot back in her 1960s heyday. But obviously, whoever is chosen will have to be very beautiful, but they’ll need to be able to capture all of my many facets.’
‘Do you want them to capture the true you? You know, to give a truthful account of your life,’ asked Talisa screwing the top back on her Tarty Red nail varnish bottle.
Patrina looked horrified, ‘The truth!’ she said with a triple underline. ‘Don’t be ridiculous; I don’t want to bore people with the truth; it has to be an aspirational story, a story about the life people think I’ve had and have. That’s certainly what I’ll be talking about tonight,’ Patrina sighed like she was exhausted. ‘I ask you, whoever heard of such a thing, the truth, who tells the truth in this day and age? These days careers are built on fake news; well, they probably always have been.’
‘And ruined,’ said Chamade curtly clomping into the room in her six-inch Jimmy Choo heels, and cream Miu Miu skirt suit, with a mobile phone in each of her manicured hands, she was Patrina’s chic French publicist and assistant. Apparently, her mother loved the Guerlain perfume Chamade so much she’d named her daughter after it.
‘Mon cher, how many times do I have to tell you, it’s always best to stick to the facts whenever possible,’ she said in her thick French accent, thinking to herself that it would be a tall order, given Patrina’s very colourful life and past! Over the years, she’d rescued Patrina from more faux pas than she cared to remember. ‘And don’t forget you have your photo opportunity with the press just before the show starts, so you’d better get a move on, you need to hurry, se dépêcher, as we say in France.’
‘Right,’ said Leonard, with a thank goodness in his tone, ‘Brandy she’s all yours, I’ll do a bit more finessing when you’ve finished, and Patrina’s been frocked.’
‘What!’ exclaimed Patrina indignantly.
‘Frocked,’ Leonard said innocently. ‘Why?’
‘Oh, yer,’ said Patrina with a shrug and half-smile, ‘I thought you said something else.’
Chamade escorted Patrina to a room full of waiting press for her photo opportunity; although Patrina preferred photoshoots for magazines, that way she could control the lighting and vet all the photos before publication making sure they were suitably airbrushed; she didn’t like to see any annoying little imperfections, awkward expressions or postures. She came to life as she walked into the room doing a bit of hair flicking, and a lot of pouting and the camera flashbulbs started popping.
‘Patrina over here.’
‘Patrina, this way.’
‘Patrina luv, over to your right.’
‘Smile for the camera doll.’
‘Babe to your left.’
Came the cries from the photographers, Patrina took her time moving this way and that, adjusting her pose for every click of the cameras, she knew every pose to pull, let’s face it, she’d had more than enough practice. There was a succession of poses, left foot crossed over right, back arched, hips pushed forward, chest out, right arm on right hip, head looking up to elongate the neck and emphasise that razor-sharp jawline Brandy had created for her, cheeks sucked in slightly to accentuate the fantastic cheekbones Dr Moses had given her, eyes wide, lips pouty, hands on hips to accent her tiny waist and the cut of her YSL suit. Patrina knew all the moves like the back of her well-manicured and expensively moisturised hands.
‘A big smile.’
Came more cries from the photographers.
‘Patrina, you look fabulous, who are you wearing?’ came a yell.
‘Saint Laurent and the shoes are Louboutin’s, and my fabulous jewellery is on loan from Van Cleef and Arpel,’ she said holding out her arm and hands to reveal her bejewelled wrist and fingers, she pulled her hair back on one side to reveal her drop diamond earrings. ‘Of course, it all has to go back; these gentlemen will make sure of that.’ Patrina pointed to two young muscular security guards, she was quite taken with one of them and gave him her most alluring look and pout, but he didn’t flinch, she decided he was probably Gay.
‘Can you give us a twirl luv, so we can see the back?’ shouted another photographer.
Can we get a close up of the jewellery?’
‘Just angle your foot so we can get a better look at the shoes.’
‘Can we have a bit more cleavage luv?’
‘Cheeky,’ said Patrina smiling, although she loved every minute of it, being the centre of attention.
‘Patrina, Patrina over here, Peter Dawson Morning Essential newspaper, are you feeling confident? And what will you be revealing on tonight’s John Richards show?’
‘Not my body, that’s for sure,’ said Patrina with a knowing smile still posing for the photographers running her hands suggestively up and down her body.
‘Well, we’ve all already seen that luv,’ said Peter sounding bored. Patrina had done a nude centrefold for a men’s magazine in her younger days, these days she referred to it as an ‘art’ magazine!
‘And I always feel confident,’ said Patrina smiling. ‘I’m going to be talking about my life, sorry, what was your name again?’
‘Oh yes, well Peter, it’s going to be quite revealing.’
‘Sounds intriguing,’ he said. ‘What exactly will you be saying about your life that hasn’t already been said?’
Patrina smiled, still posing, ‘More like made up by the press you mean.’
Chamade shot Patrina a look, she’d learned that working for Patrina was always about damage limitation, she’d had to cover Patrina’s tracks on many occasions, and without the press, Patrina would be nothing, but for Patrina any publicity, even bad, was better than no publicity.
Patrina continued, ‘That’s for me to know and you to find out err… Peter was it?’
‘You’ll have to watch the show, but I’ll be setting the record straight that much I can tell you.’
‘Is it true they're going to make a film about your life?’ someone asked.
‘Only if they can find someone beautiful enough to play me,’ said Patrina smiling, trying to be ironic, while doing double hair flicking and a bit more pouting.
All this continued for several more minutes until Chamade whisked Patrina off to the TV studio for her live interview in front of a large studio audience. Once she left the photographers, Brandy was on hand to make final makeup adjustments while Leonard did some more hair finessing. Jermain, Patrina’s stylist, was now also there to make sure the Saint Laurent suit was working it’s magic and conveying the right ladylike image, after all, image was everything, and Patrina was trying to change hers; she wanted to be seen as more serious and respectable.
John Richards came from West Yorkshire and was in his late forties; he was divorced, having been married three times, his own private life often hitting the headlines of the tabloids and celebrity magazines, like his celebrity guests. He was often criticised in his native Yorkshire for having elocution lessons to soften his West Yorkshire accent. He moved into television in the late 1990s working on current affairs programmes for the BBC and the Manchester-based Granada Television. From 2002 he presented a late-night film review programme, which included his first ‘star’ interview with the British actress Olivia Laurence, who he went on to have a long-standing affair. He started presenting his eponymous series ‘In Conversation’ in 2010, which was another late-night show and was known for his confrontational questions. By his own reckoning, he’d interviewed over 400 of the world's top celebrities.
The set for the show was always the same, two Vitra Eames Classic Leather Lounge Chairs and a low table between the two with glasses of water (well they say it’s water!) placed in front of a large screen so film, news clips, and photos could be shown to add visual interest to his probing questions and bring the celebrities story to life.
Patrina had her lighting expert Damian go into the studio earlier to make sure she would be beautifully and carefully lit. She’d also insisted that the audience had to see her from her left side, saying that was her best side, she was leaving nothing to chance; over the years Patrina had learned that she had to control everything about her image.
She was waiting in the wings with Chamade, ready to make her glamorous entrance as John Richards began his introduction to the packed studio audience looking into camera 5. He always dressed for the occasion and looked very smart in a midnight blue, hand-tailored Brioni Tuxedo suit with a satin silk shawl collar and sidebands to the trousers, worn with a white shirt with a plastron detail on the front with a Barron collar and round double cuffs, secured with gold cufflinks, along with a matching velvet bow tie, and black patent laced evening shoes which finished off his outfit. He interviewed the big stars, so he made sure he himself looked like one.
Patrina thought he had dark brooding eyes, the eyes of someone who couldn’t be trusted, but then again, few people in her opinion could be trusted; these days everyone was on the make and looking for their fifteen minutes of fame.
‘Good evening ladies and gentlemen and welcome to the show. My guest tonight is the social media and reality TV star Patrina Fletcher. She first came to public attention when she married the IT, computer games expert, and multi-millionaire Simon Fletcher. Her blog and their jet-set life soon catapulted her into the limelight and public eye, and not always for the right reason.’
The audience laughed.
‘Someone said she was stuck up and as interesting as shit.’
The audience laughed again.
‘But interesting as shit in a good way,’ said John smiling, ‘And she certainly is.’
‘What are they all laughing for?’ asked Patrina sharply in a whisper, turning to Chamade.
Chamade couldn’t believe what she was hearing and whispered, ‘Patrina, you’ve hardly lived the life of a Carmelite Nun!’
‘Well, that was the old Patrina. I’m the new Patrina now.’ Patrina believed if she said it, everyone else would believe it.
John Richards continued, ‘She soon began to appear on TV shows, and her fabulous life was often reported and featured in the tabloids and celebrity magazines. From there, her own celebrity quickly grew, and a whole business has now grown around her. Unfortunately, as her star was rising, her marriage floundered, and her husband divorced her last year, on the grounds of numerous alleged infidelities. As I’ve said, much has been written about her in the media, she rarely gives TV interviews, but tonight Patrina is here to put the record straight and tell us all about her fabulous life in her own words. So ladies and gentlemen, please put your hands together and welcome to tonight’s show a phenomenon, the one and only Patrina Fletcher.’
‘Make sure you keep updating all of my social media sites and accounts while I’m on the show,’ said Patrina as she stepped forward appearing at the top of the staircase, she stood for a moment with a beaming smile revealing her expensive cosmetic dentistry, waving to the applauding, cheering, and wolf-whistling audience, trying to convey a sexual energy. She then carefully made her way to the bottom of the stairs in her heels and slim-fitting skirt where John Richards was waiting for her, she gave him two air kisses (mustn’t spoil the expensive lipstick and makeup) and he smiled, escorting Patrina to her chair making sure her left side would face her adoring audience. As they walked she did a bit of hair flicking and ubiquitous Patrina pouting. Once she was settled and had carefully arranged herself, they began.
‘So, Patrina, how are you?’ asked John flirtatiously with a knowing smile.
Patrina did some more minor hair flicking, and smiled suggestively to the audience, ‘I’m very well, and may I say how suave you’re looking this evening John.’
‘You may! It’s all in your honour,’ he said smiling, looking into camera 5, not at Patrina. ‘Now, where shall we start?... Now tell me, what are your favourite things?’
Patrina smiled again looking at the audience, ‘John before we do, is it true you’re really from West Yorkshire?’
He nodded, ‘I certainly am, but don’t hold it against me.’
Patrina hesitated, ‘Wow, you know it’s just that it’s a bit weird because it kind of all started for me in Huddersfield in West Yorkshire.’
He nodded again, ‘Yes, I know Huddersfield, and we’ll come onto that, but you’re jumping ahead, naughty Patrina, now, your favourite things?’
Patrina curled her lip, like a sulky child, who’d been told off and thought for a moment twiddling her hair, ‘Um, well John that’s a difficult one, but as you’ve asked I’ll say a nice bottle of Cristal champagne, a little pasta, diamonds, and of course, Prada.
‘Pasta, that’s a surprise, but why Prada?’
Patrina looked astonished, ‘Are you serious? Prada is a fashion powerhouse.’
John hesitated, ‘OK, if you say so. Now,’ John turned looking at the audience and then turned back to Patrina. ‘I know you were born in 1979 and were brought up in the village of Knebworth in Hertfordshire. You have an older brother Dick, and your parents are Gerry and Sharon Gillespie, your father was a train driver and your mother a nurse.’
Patrina’s face dropped, she was most displeased at the mention of her year of birth, but she tried to look casual in a playmate centrefold sort of way, ‘… John, darling, now don’t be mischievous, you’re ageing, poor little Patrina, everyone knows I was born in 1989.’ Patrina did double hair flicking and shuffled uncomfortably in her chair, picking up her glass and taking a sip of water (vodka), through a straw. ‘Mustn’t spoil the lipstick,’ she said with a pouty smile fluttering those extra-long false eyelashes, thinking she was going to kill that incompetent bitch Chamade the moment she left the stage.
A copy of Patrina’s birth certificate flashed up on the screen. Patrina Ethel Gillespie.
Patrina laughed nervously, folding her arms tightly across her chest, wanting the ground to open up and swallow her. She really was going to kill Chamade, she would have frowned if she could! ‘You really have been busy, haven’t you John darling, but you must have the wrong Patrina…’ she was going to say Ethel, but the word wouldn’t come out. ‘You must have the wrong Patrina Gillespie, I know it’s not a common name, but I’m sure there will be more than one Patrina Gillespie.’ She sat twirling her foot and looking at him with vitriol and venom, that said ‘don’t mess with me!’
‘So your middle name’s not Ethel then?’
Things weren’t getting off to a good start, so John decided not to push the issue so early in the interview.
‘So Patrina, let’s start where it all began, tell me, what attracted you to your ex-husband, the multi-millionaire Simon Fletcher?’